Lay in bed feeling sick with tummy cramps, feeling so sorry for myself while I’m watching an old OBEM.
Some very poorly babies on tonight, fighting to be alive and its really upset me. They are so tiny and gorgeous, their parents waiting for them to come out of the operation and actually saying to the camera about the little one dying.
It’s really floored me.
Then to top it off I read about a baby on an old babycentre thread I used to read all the time when I was pregnant, one of the little bubs is fighting for her life with meningitis. From just having a temperature and visiting the doctors, to being found slumped. Now fighting for their tiny little lives. Totally heartbreaking and I can’t even comprehend how people can stay strong having a sick child.
We were so, so lucky with Freddie. He had a tough few days which could have been totally different. I can’t even take in how you can be faced with having such a poorly baby. It’s really hit me tonight and I don’t know why.
Leaving the baby with the nurses to take over the care. Changing nappies. Feeding. Washing. Comforting in the middle of the night when you cannot be there but would do anything to be. The moms and dads want to do these new baby jobs themselves but petrified of hurting them or not being allowed to for risk of infection or making the baby too poorly.
I have often thought about working as a neonatal nurse, I did some shifts on there to help out and could see only the good side, babies being looked after and going home well.
Now, having my own child I have a totally different spin. I don’t think I could have a distance between work and home as would want to help all these babies. How could I leave a shift? How could I comfort the parents of a dying premie? Give hope in the bleakest situation? See the crash teams come in? Take endless blood samples, cannulas, oxygen tubing, artificial ventilation.
In my current job I can be human but still be a nurse, focus and care but be approachable.
I think looking after neonates I would just try and be a mom and wouldn’t focus or distant myself enough. Thinking “what if” this wouldn’t help anyone, especially this tiny tiny little dot of a human who is propped in a fish tank, surrounded by wires and strange people. Just wanting Mommy and daddy.